The Sarcasm Report: Babcock Trying to Slow Down Datsyuk, Zetterberg

DETROIT - Detroit Red Wings coach Mike Babcock has the difficult task of replacing suspended winger Justin Abdelkader on the top line with star forwards Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg. After a brutal Game 3 loss 4-0 to the visiting Anaheim Ducks, Babcock let reporters know his lineup intentions.

"We're definitely going to think about not promoting anyone deserving of playing with Pav and Hank," Babcock said, "We think a useless plug like Dan Cleary, Mikael Samuelsson or Todd Bertuzzi will slow them down enough so that Anaheim won't have to try too hard against them."

Datsyuk has been heard in the locker room swearing in the showers, and when put into Google Translate, his remarks were something like, "What the hell is this idiot coach doing to my career," and "This is the shit that makes me want to go back to Russia."

Zetterberg tried to be positive about the situation but with hilarious results.

"Sammy I've played with before," aid Zetterberg, "He's a big strong Swedish guy like me, but with a less accurate shot. Well way les accurate. And he cant' really skate. And he's kind of lanky. Wow, now that I think about it, in the four games he's played for us wasn't the combined score like 27-4 for the opposition? Isn't that stat common knowledge?"

Todd Bertuzzi will take Jordin Tootoo's spot on the fourth line, so that he won't get that much ice time, will be largely ineffective, and will have lot's of time to rest his old man back.

When asked about how awful a lineup this was, Babcock muttered, "Tell that to the GM of the year."