Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Sarcasm Report: Samuelsson Working Hard to Get Back to Highly Paid, Overrated 2008 Form

With the regular season winding down, the Detroit Red Wings are in serious need of more unable-bodied, awkward, oft-injured, over paid wingers on their roster in order to make the playoffs. Current Red Wing Mikael Samuelsson believes he can be that type of player for his team.

" I certainly believe that I can fill a role like that," Samuelsson told reporters today, "It's not often you can replace a big plug on the second line and also on the point on the powerplay."

Samuelsson, who signed a two year contract worth a whopping $3 million per season, is currently injured with a pectoral strain and is apparently confused as to when or if he can return, and most importantly why he would want to attempt such a thing when it could ruin his teams chances of success.

"I think I have a pulled boob," reported Samuelsson, noting that it hurts when attempting to miss the net on the far side high and wide by fifteen feet.

"I can't even do a proper dump in or that stupid looking, obvious head fake thing I do. Don't even as me about high and wide shots around the glass. It's frustrating."

Ken Holland explained that while Samuelsson's injury isn't serious, they need him back in a hurry.

"Listen, we're in eighth spot in the conference. The way I see it, we're lacking that god awful type of player who can float around out there and not earn his paycheck."

Teammate Johan Franzen agreed, saying that it was difficult to replace Samuelsson's presence on the bench.

"Every time I look down the bench and don't see Sammy, I get really excited to try and mimic what he does so well," Franzen said, "I can tell it's working because no one really likes me anymore."

Holland was adamant that Samuelsson's contract had nothing to do with his ability as a hockey player. "When I was looking down the list in NHL 08 and saw Samuelsson's overall was like an 82 and on best lines he was slotted with Datsyuk and Zetteberg, I knew we had to sign him," he said, "Three million dollars for a player like that I'll do every time. Hell, I had to throw in a no trade clause to get him here."

Samuelsson is even baffled at the attention he is getting in Detroit. "It's amazing really. I never thought anyone in the right mind would give me three million a season and a no trade clause. Who would want me? Phoenix? Probably not."

Samuelsson has one goal this year.

"I just want to get back to my 2008 form," he said, "Remember that game against Pittsburgh where I somehow went end to end and scored on a wraparound? And then the same game scored another goal? How does that even happen?"

Mike Babcock is reportedly excited to get Samuelsson back sometime before his contract expires in two years. "Sammy is going to be on the top line, no doubt," Babcock reported, "I like how he makes three million dollars for every goal he scores."

Samuelsson is working hard to get back into the lineup, saying that "I'm basically just sitting around in my boxers eating Cheetohs," and "Man this is sweet I made three million dollars this year by not doing anything."

No word on if the Red Wings are trying to sign Samuelsson's future replacements; Kirk Maltby or Uwe Krupp.


Richard Queso said...